Week 2

Two weeks after her first shot, its raining every day so there is no pollen floating around the air.

What on earth does that have to do with a medical trial for food allergies? Well, the drug Xolair would diminish all of her allergic reactions, not just to food. We don't know if she got the placebo or the drug so we are playing detective. I am actively trying to *unblind* this study.

She did sneeze earlier. I wonder if it was the cat that was in our front yard or just a tickle in her nose?

Whenever momentous things happen in my life, I am surprised that every other thing does not stand still. Its like being in a river and trying to stand up but but your feet can't quite get a grip because of the current. This thing is taking all of your attention but around you, life keeps moving forward. I have found this to be true when its good or bad coming at you. So many times I've wanted to yell "TIME OUT!"

Two weeks ago, at Week Zero, I wanted just thirty seconds. Just thirty seconds to cry, laugh and hold on so that I could put the hugeness of all of this into a place. I wanted ten seconds with Andy so we could just take a deep breath together, then face our daughter and the world. But, he was in Colorado and I was in California. The water moved us forward without pause. Papers were signed, details covered (give her the dose on a full stomach, no activity or warm baths for two hours, no exercise, no ibuprofen...), risks discussed. During this, movies played, texts arrived, painters called, school work needed to get done. Life is relentless.

They gave her a shot. Because Xolair is thick, the shot takes a few seconds. They have these fun buzzy bee vibrators that take the edge off of the shot. She took it with her usual stoicism. The placebo is thick too so I had to discard that clue.

I cried once. When Whitney the Amazing was going over the timetable and said that some of the kids hit their maintenance dose at 12 weeks, the sob I had been holding in just burst out. Twelve weeks. TWELVE WEEKS, PEOPLE! That is THREE MONTHS. It is completely possible that in THREE MONTHS,  our Bugaboo could be safe eating in any restaurant. That a kid with mayonnaise or almond butter on their sandwich could grab her hand and run out to play without sending her to the ER in an ambulance. In twelve weeks it is possible for her to just leave after school with a friend. Just go to a birthday party. Just be.

We are now at week two. At week four we go back for another shot and at week eight, N gets another shot and starts her daily dose of her allergens. She'll have to eat that every day to keep her tolerance up. She'll start at 2.5 milligrams of each, which is about a crumb. If she has the Xolair, she'll move towards maintenance quickly but if its the placebo she wont. If its the placebo she'll try to scoot forward until sixteen weeks when they'll send her back to start the protocol on Xolair.

'The trial is 36 weeks. That is basically a full term baby. Just like when you start growing a human, you start from Week 0. We are at Week 2 now.- that giddy, hopeful phase. That stage where you don't know for sure yet but you're hoping and you're trying because this thing you want is so huge. So you gestate hope for a few weeks until you know.